Okay, God, time to get so honest, to confess the inner parts of my heart….

Talking with a dear friend the other day, she confessed to me a “whopper” of a sin (in man’s eyes- sin is sin to God!). She jokingly asked if I still was her friend, did I just think she was an idiot, could I believe the depth of her sin, did I feel sick to be with her, along those lines. And, I told her, that if I shared the ugliness of the deep secrets of my heart, she would be just as shocked. Well, she countered with, “yea, like what?”

I shared with her that I do sin, and sin terribly! I’ve “lost” it and yelled horribly at my kids. I have called Andrew “stupid.” I have terrible jealousy in my heart. I told my husband “I hate you” IN FRONT of the kids! (Boy, is it embarrassing to share all of that….) Well, my friend told me she was glad I shared that. She didn’t think I struggled with sin.

The human heart, no matter who we are, struggles with sin. (Jeremiah 17:9, “The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?”) Thank God that He has given me a new heart! (Ezekiel 36:25-26). Man, I needed a complete heart transplant!!!!!! I told her I needed Jesus everyday! I needed to lean on Him, trust Him everyday! Thank God for the Holy Spirit who empowers us to walk in the Spirit NOT in the flesh! Thank God that I am more than a conqueror, more than an overcomer! Sin does not rule over me! I have the power of the Holy Spirit living within me, inside of ME! (Romans 6-8)

But, it struck me that I need to continue to be honest with people God has put in my life. Authenticity………. I want to be an authentic friend who shares her struggles. I don’t want to put on airs. I never want to feel like I can’t share my struggles because I don’t want people to think less of me…..God, forgive me for worrying about others’ opinions. Am I trying to please God or man? So, I can keep trials secret because of my own flesh- not wanting to be embarrassed. But, the enemy also deceives me into keeping them secret because when they are hidden in the dark, they are not exposed to God’s light. He wants us to suffer alone, never helping one another in times of trial. But, God’s Word tells us in James 5:16, “Confess your sins one to another and pray for each other so that you may be healed.”

Well, here is confession time for me…………

I am struggling with trusting God right now. (I thought about being vague and not really giving details, but, I am going to let it all out!) God has called me to be a women’s speaker. He has placed such a passion and desire to go to women’s events, speaking Truth and sharing my love for Him with other women. When I go, He gives me such an overflowing love for the women. I am able to pray with them, minister to them, worship with them, and just plain exalt the Lord together with them! I know it is Him who has placed such an intense desire to serve Him in this way. Every time I go, I “have it out with Him,” vowing NEVER to speak again because I am nervous about speaking, how could He have called ME because I am not “qualified”…… I have said more than once, “I am never doing this again! How did I get myself in this???” And, then, He shows up, fills me to overflowing with His Spirit and I am able to witness His mighty hand perform great miracles in these women’s lives. I am so blessed by the experience He has so generously allowed me to be part of. And, after each speaking event, I am again filled with great desire to speak again!

Well, here I am. I have such a desire, but waiting for the Lord to call me out again. I don’t have any events planned. I continue to pray. I get frustrated because God hasn’t answered my prayer (in the way I want!!!!!!). I keep telling myself and quoting scripture about waiting on the Lord, trusting in Him, that His plan is perfect, His timing is perfect…. All the things my MIND knows, but trying to get my heart to believe. Am I going to really believe all the things I tell everyone else???????????? And, if waiting/trusting means waiting more than one day, will I wait patiently? You see, I encourage others on this all the time! But, when waiting comes to ME, will I truly believe that my God hears, He loves me, He’s working it out for my good, He has a good plan, and His timing is perfect (God, is Your watch broken?)? Will I trust in Him that “Father knows best?” Or, do I get disappointed and frustrated…. God, why did you place this desire in my heart if You are not going to bring it to fruition????

So, I am in the midst of it…….. Lord, I remind You that I am dust! Please be patient with me, God! Thank You for Your graciousness, goodness, loving kindness……… “The Lord will fulfill His purpose for me; Your love endures forever- do not abandon the works of Your hands.” –Psalm 138:8

I love You, God! I love You……..

Oh, and please pray for me!
Blessings to you all!!

6 thoughts shared....:

Susan Kelly Skitt said...

Praying dear sister. Thank you for sharing so openly.

God's been tugging at my heart to speak too. I'm a writer first and really didn't want to get up and speak in front of people. Not so much because I'm shy, but because I want people to see Jesus, not me.

So in answering God's calling, I joined my friend Connie's speaker network called Women's Mentoring Ministries. I even went to CLASS (see my blog sidebar for a link), thinking I needed to get trained to speak. I don't have a background in public speaking, even though I've led Bible studies for many years at my home church.

So anyhow, after joining WMM (also check the link on my blog), I thought I'd be getting a ton of calls. Instead, any speaking events I've done so far (an interview about one of the books I'm in for a Stonecroft meeting, small speaking opportunities at book stores in connection with the devo. books I'm in, and at my own church). That's it. Two other churches asked me to send information and didn't get back to me.

I'm in the process of getting information to another church for a women's retreat in April. Who knows if they will call back. But that's okay. God knows and that's all the matters. I've been learning to do this through the years with my writing, and I need to keep giving over the speaking aspect of this too.

My point is this, like you I fought God giving Him excuses for over a year, when I finally gave in to God, nothing much is happening as far as speaking. Part of me is glad (I have a young son with a language disorder that needs lots of extra attention), and the other part of me is like, "God, did I hear you right?"

In the mean time, God just keeps reassuring me through His Word to remain faithful. Keep reading His Word, keep trusting, keep preparing and in His time and in His way, He will open the doors, for both my writing projects and anywhere He might lead me to speak.

I hope this encourages you a bit my friend. It seems God's been moving in our hearts the same way. May we keep our eyes on Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith!

Tracy Berta-daughter to the King, wife, mother, speaker, writer said...

Thank you so much for your encouragement! My "story" is so similiar to yours!

I have had about two "events" each year for the past 3 years(which I have been so thankful for!. And, after each one, God so confirms this calling! He again fills me with a burning desire to speak, encourage, and mentor women.

Then.......the waiting. I, too, question, "Did I hear you right, God? Are you really calling me??????? I don't have a background in public speaking either, but attended a Proverbs 31 Speakers/Writers Seminar. The saying "God doesn't call the qualified, but qualifies the called" has spoken to me!

So, now I am finding the balance between pursuing the ideas God has given me, and "doing the work" AND waiting on Him, trusting in Him. I know I can wear myself out doing things, but unless God brings the opportunities, I will be wasting time. I don't want to try to make things happen in my strength!

I love what you wrote:

In the mean time, God just keeps reassuring me through His Word to remain faithful. Keep reading His Word, keep trusting, keep preparing and in His time and in His way, He will open the doors, for both my writing projects and anywhere He might lead me to speak

I agree He has been leading our hearts in the same way and I WAS very encouraged by your comments!!!

Thank you, my friend!

Chelle said...

Just believe in the dream he has told you. Don't worry about what others say...remember, He gave YOU the dream, not them. Press on girl! It will all come together. Oh, if only we could see with something other than our human eyes sometimes :)

Actually, I think you would like the Patriarchs study by Beth Moore. She actually discusses this kind of thing when Joseph is "brought into play".

Tracy Berta-daughter to the King, wife, mother, speaker, writer said...

Thank you, my friend!

Leigh Gray said...

Honesty, transperancy, and realness - i believe that is a heart that God can use... As we both wait patiently - right before He shakes the ground, moves the earth, does things to knock our oscks off - we got to be praying and praising... I know you are - continue on!!!

Love, Leigh

Tracy Berta-daughter to the King, wife, mother, speaker, writer said...

Thank you, my friend.

Love you,