Thirsty for Him

Well.... I have to start SOMEWHERE.

My 1st run in a long while. Beginning, I felt out of shape (which I am!), tired, and lethargic.

It was HARD. I had to PUSH myself.

I was really mad at myself. How had I gotten here??? It seems like the last 5 years have been a constant yo-yoing of up and down battles with fitness. I felt (feel) like I had lost the victory of where I was...of where I USED to be.

I have had a lot of "excuses "- My mom having breast cancer. My (step)dad having bladder cancer and having his bladder removed. Helping my mom and dad through that year of depression and lack of fight, his depression and her stress and my many trips back and forth. Dealing with an injury and pain.  Celebrating Andrew's wedding and the fact that Grandpa could be there. My mom's cancer coming back. The ugly 2 and half months of her suffering. Losing my mom. My feelings of inadequacy taking on the role of being his POA. It's been a rollercoaster 5 years.

I could blame all these things for where I stand in my weight, my attitude, and my backsliding.

But, the TRUTH is that I allowed a bitter root to take hold in my heart.

I was mad at God and it was easier to turn to food, alcohol, Netflix, even exercise, for comfort INSTEAD of the only One who brings true comfort.

I battled turning to Him...to surrendering my heart to Him. I fought it.

So much so that I took an 8 month hiatus from my Bible Study. A study I started and led for the  last 16+ years. (Thankfully, they have been doing just fine without me because it was never truly "mine", but God's!)

I didn't cut God off... I listened to worship music, prayed constantly, went to church (off & on, but let's be honest, I was avoiding Sunday morning worship as much as Monday night study)...

But I wasn't allowing him full access to my pain (where only TRUE healing can begin) and I was not surrendering my heart to Him.

So...as I worked through all of this on my run today...Day #1 of training for a 5k...getting through even though it was excruciatingly hard....God reminded me:

 Tracy, don't focus on where you USED to be....focus on what is ahead!

"So, dear brothers and sisters, I have not achieved it, but I focus on this one thing: Forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead, I press on to reach the end of the race and receive the heavenly prize for which God, through Christ Jesus, is calling us.

Philippians 3:14 NLT